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What You Actually Get

Fuller content of the day’s top stories — for all 32 NFL teams, every single day.

Free subscribers see the front page headlines and teasers, team by team. All-Access subscribers get the full articles — every story, complete, delivered to your inbox every day, for every NFL team in the network, not just this one. Same articles. Just longer. Fuller. The whole thing. No “keep reading.”

Plus Seven Weeks of Bonus Content.
One Per Week. Every Cycle. Every Team.

Every All-Access subscriber gets one bonus content piece per week, every week, rotating through all seven formats — and it is not limited to one team. Your subscription unlocks the full Bonus Content library across all 32 NFL team sites in the network. Here is exactly what that looks like on the Cowboys page specifically — the full thing, live, right here, so you know exactly what you are getting before you spend a single dime.

Week One — You Get This
Real Fake Trivia Game

A full Jeopardy-style board built entirely around your team’s history, lore, disasters, and occasional moments of glory. Four categories. Five clues each. $200 through $1,000. The $1,000 questions are genuinely hard. We verified every fact. We are not kidding about that part. Click on any one of the boxes and start the game!

America’s Team Files The Triplets Era The Jerry World Era The Micah Parsons Trade
$200$200$200$200
$400$400$400$400
$600$600$600$600
$800$800$800$800
$1,000$1,000$1,000$1,000

That’s Week One. Next week you get this →

Week Two — You Get This
Classified Ads

Nine satirical classified ads, three columns, all team-specific. FOR SALE. WANTED. LOST & FOUND. HELP WANTED. ANNOUNCEMENT. NOTICE. PERSONALS. OBITUARIES. The CONTACT line is always the punchline. Always.

For Sale

One (1) “Super Bowl or Bust” Declaration — Made Publicly by Dak Prescott, Now on File

Prescott stated that winning the Super Bowl is the only reason to play the game. He stated this publicly, to fans, on a virtual meet and greet. He called it “Super Bowl or bust.” The statement has been filed. February 14, 2027 is the date by which the statement must be settled. The Cowboys went 7–9–1 in 2025. The Cowboys note that the statement and the record are in separate files. Both files are current.

ContactD. Prescott. He made the statement. He stands by the statement. He has been making this statement for eleven seasons. The Lombardi Trophy has received the statement. It is reviewing the eleven-season history of similar statements.
Wanted

Super Bowl LXI — February 14, 2027, AT&T Stadium Is Forty Minutes Away

Super Bowl LXI will be played at SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles on February 14, 2027. AT&T Stadium is in Arlington, Texas. The Cowboys play their home games at AT&T Stadium. The Cowboys note that SoFi is not within walking distance but is a manageable flight. B. Schottenheimer has confirmed the Cowboys plan to be there. The plan has been confirmed. February 14, 2027 is on the calendar. The calendar has been formatted. January 1996 is also on the calendar, labeled separately as a point of historical reference.

ContactB. Schottenheimer. He has confirmed the plan. The plan is to play in Super Bowl LXI. He said this publicly. D. Prescott has endorsed the plan. CeeDee Lamb has endorsed the plan. Cowboys Nation has endorsed the plan. February 14, 2027 has received the endorsements.
Lost & Found

Missing: The Playoffs — Two Consecutive Misses, Last Appearance January 2024

The Cowboys missed the playoffs in 2024 (7–10) and 2025 (7–9–1). Their last playoff game was a 48–32 Wild Card loss to the Packers in January 2024. D. Prescott has stated the minimum expectation for 2026 is a playoff appearance. The minimum is being treated as a floor, not a ceiling. The ceiling is Super Bowl LXI. The floor and the ceiling are on record. B. Schottenheimer is building from the floor. The floor is aware of its status as a floor.

ContactD. Prescott. He said playoffs are the minimum. He also said Super Bowl or bust. Both statements coexist. The minimum and the ceiling have been filed in the same document. The document is clear about which is which.
Help Wanted

Marty Schottenheimer’s Super Bowl — Son Is Now the Cowboys HC, Opportunity Is Present

Marty Schottenheimer is considered by many to be the greatest head coach never to win a Super Bowl. His son, B. Schottenheimer, is now the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. B. Schottenheimer has stated publicly that he wants to win it for Dak, for CeeDee, for the players — and for his father. The Cowboys have the weapons. They have the quarterback. They have the head coach with the specific familial motivation. February 14, 2027 is circled. It is circled in pen. B. Schottenheimer does not use pencil.

ContactB. Schottenheimer. He wants to win it for his father. He has said this. He has the offensive system, the quarterback, and the receiver group to pursue it. He is also calling the plays himself in Year 2. He is very motivated. The motivation is documented and public.
Announcement

Official Statement: Year Two Schottenheimer Offense Is Going to Be Fun, Nation Agrees

B. Schottenheimer completely revamped the system in 2025 to protect Prescott with movement and easy reads. In Year 2, he is now the designated play-caller with full ownership of the scheme. The Cowboys have G. Pickens and C. Lamb — one of the most feared receiver combinations in the NFC. D. Prescott is eleven years into his Cowboys career and still calling it Super Bowl or bust. The offense has been described as fun to watch. The Super Bowl has not yet confirmed that it finds the Cowboys fun to watch. The Cowboys are working on changing this.

ContactCowboys Nation. They find the offense fun to watch. They have always found it fun to watch. They would like to find the playoffs fun to watch again. They have been waiting since January 2024. The wait continues. The offense is fun. Both are true.
For Sale
Expired

The Mike McCarthy Era — Five Seasons, 49–35, No Super Bowl, Now in Pittsburgh

McCarthy coached Dallas from 2020 to 2024. He went 49–35, hired B. Schottenheimer as offensive coordinator, and departed. He is now the head coach in Pittsburgh — the same franchise he beat with Green Bay in Super Bowl XLV. B. Schottenheimer has replaced him. B. Schottenheimer was his offensive coordinator. The era has been filed. The ring total for the era is zero. The Cowboys have one ring in their lifetime from the Schottenheimer family tree — Marty coached many seasons, also zero. The family ring count remains outstanding.

ContactNo further comment at this time. The era has been filed. The new era has a specific date: February 14, 2027. B. Schottenheimer has the date in pen. The pen is a good one. He is confident about the pen.
Notice

Attn: NFC — Super Bowl LXI Is February 14, 2027. The Cowboys Have Dak, CeeDee, and Pickens.

The Dallas Cowboys formally notify the NFC that D. Prescott has declared Super Bowl or bust, G. Pickens is on the roster, C. Lamb is on the roster, and B. Schottenheimer is calling his own plays in Year 2. The Eagles are the defending NFC champions. The Seahawks won the Super Bowl. The Cowboys have been to zero Super Bowls since January 1996. The Cowboys have noted the gap. D. Prescott has noted the gap. B. Schottenheimer has noted the gap. The gap is February 14, 2027.

ContactThe NFC. It has received this notice. It has received similar notices from Dallas many times. It is aware that this year the Cowboys have Pickens, Lamb, and a motivated play-caller whose father is the greatest coach never to win. The NFC is paying attention this time.
Personals

Seeking: Super Bowl LXI — Thirty-One Years of Patience Converted to Fuel, February 14, 2027

Cowboys Nation, worldwide, star-clad, always present. Have watched thirty-one years without a championship. Have D. Prescott, who says Super Bowl or bust. Have C. Lamb and G. Pickens, who are ready to play in February. Have B. Schottenheimer, who wants it for his father. Have the star on the helmet. Have AT&T Stadium. Have always been America’s Team, regardless of what America’s Team has done in January since 1996. February 14, 2027 is the date. Cowboys Nation has the date memorized. The date has had Cowboys Nation’s number for thirty-one years. This year, Cowboys Nation has the number back.

ContactCowboys Nation. They are everywhere. They fill every stadium. They have the star. They have D. Prescott saying Super Bowl or bust. They have B. Schottenheimer saying it for his father. They have been waiting since 1996. February 14, 2027 is the answer. It has been circled. In pen.
Obituaries

The 2025 Dallas Cowboys Season — Record 7–9–1, Drama-Free, Non-Playoff, Age 1

Passed in January 2026, following a 7–9–1 season that B. Schottenheimer described as a foundation. It ended in a meaningless Week 18 loss to the Giants, 34–17. It did not make the playoffs. It is survived by D. Prescott (Super Bowl or bust), C. Lamb (ready), G. Pickens (motivated), B. Schottenheimer (calling his own plays, motivated for his father), and Cowboys Nation, who was present for all 17 games and will be present for 17 more. February 14, 2027 is when the 2026 season settles the declaration. Cowboys Nation has the pen ready.

ContactFebruary 14, 2027. The Cowboys have marked the date. D. Prescott has marked the date. B. Schottenheimer has marked the date — in pen. The date is aware of the markings. It is reviewing thirty-one years of similar markings. This year’s marking has Pickens in it. The date is paying attention.

That’s Week Two. The week after that you get this →

Week Three — You Get This
Top Ten List

A full team-specific Top Ten list. Completely deadpan. Treats every item with total journalistic seriousness. The list below is a sample. Yours will be specific to your team’s particular situation, history, and ongoing triumphs and disasters.

Top Ten Things You Can Buy for $24 at AT&T Stadium
  • 10.One domestic beer, served under a video board so large it has its own gravitational pull. You will watch the replay on the board instead of the actual play happening below it. Everyone does. It’s fine.
  • 9.Parking, a mile from the stadium, in a lot that used to be a different lot. Arlington keeps building. The walk keeps getting longer. Bring water.
  • 8.A CeeDee Lamb jersey, freshly restocked after last month’s shipment sold out. It sells out every month. The jersey does not know why it keeps disappearing. It just knows it’s popular.
  • 7.One “Trust the Process” bumper sticker, brand new, no irony included. Brian Schottenheimer is still finding his footing. So is the sticker. It’s early.
  • 6.A commemorative photo of Micah Parsons, taken before he left for Green Bay. Frame it. It’s a nice photo. That’s really all it is now.
  • 5.Half a brisket sandwich, Texas-sized, still somehow only half. The other half is a legal document. Jerry Jones owns that too.
  • 4.A star-shaped ice cube, for your drink, for your car, for your general aesthetic. Everything here is star-shaped eventually. Give it time.
  • 3.One “America’s Team” trucker hat, which is a claim, not a fact, but a very confident claim. Nobody’s checked the paperwork on this one in fifty years. Nobody’s going to.
  • 2.Four months of this subscription. Which includes 16 pieces of premium satirical content, a trivia game, classified ads, a children’s book, and a staff that has covered this franchise long enough to know exactly when to bring up 1996.
  • 1.Hope, sold near the star at midfield, extra large, family size. Dak Prescott means well. Jerry Jones means well. Everybody here means well. That’s never really been the problem.

    • That’s Week Three. Week Four brings this →

    Week Four — You Get This
    Fake eBay Listing

    Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.

    Vintage Helmet — STAR
    Seller: texas_stadium_ghosts
    Condition: Historically Significant
    A classic silver helmet with the iconic blue star. It is slightly scuffed from a time when the team actually won playoff games. It smells faintly of nostalgia and unrealized potential. It is very shiny.
    $1,995
    current bid
    The Contract — REDACTED
    Seller: jerry_jones_checkbook
    Condition: Philosophically Compromised
    A massive stack of incredibly complex, heavily redacted legal and financial documents. It is the contract extension for Dak Prescott. It guarantees that we will be doing this exact same dance for the foreseeable future. It is very heavy.
    $240
    current bid
    VHS Tape — DUSTY, Labeled ‘1995’
    Seller: the_star_archives
    Condition: Historically Haunted
    A massive, extremely old and dusty VHS tape simply labeled ‘1995.’ It contains footage of the last time the Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl. You will need to find a VCR to watch it. It is our most prized possession.
    $95
    current bid
    Poker Chip — ALL IN
    Seller: stephen_jones_yacht
    Condition: Structurally Unsound
    A single poker chip resting on a dark velvet surface. It represents the time Jerry Jones said we were going ‘All In’ for the 2024 season and then proceeded to do very little in free agency. It is completely worthless.
    $0
    current bid
    Super Bowl XXX Trophy — TARNISHED
    Seller: jimmy_johnson_revenge
    Condition: Historically Haunted
    A gleaming silver Super Bowl XXX trophy, heavily tarnished and covered in a thick layer of dust. It has not been touched in a very long time. It is a reminder that we used to be the center of the football universe. Now we are just a television show.
    $30
    current bid
    Clipboard — PRISTINE
    Seller: att_stadium_sideline
    Condition: Cautiously Optimistic
    A pristine, unused silver clipboard with a single piece of paper on it. It belongs to Head Coach Brian Schottenheimer. It represents the hope that maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. The clipboard has Pickens, Lamb, and a plan written on it.
    $2,026
    current bid
    Broken Stadium Seat — PLASTIC
    Seller: packers_wildcard_1424
    Condition: Emotionally Unavailable
    A piece of broken stadium seat plastic from AT&T Stadium. It was broken in frustration during the 48–32 Wild Card loss to the Green Bay Packers, January 2024. It is a physical manifestation of the pain of being a Cowboys fan in the modern era.
    $48
    current bid

    That’s Week Four. Then comes this →

    Week Five — You Get This
    The Outer Limits Enquirer

    One team-specific Outer Limits Enquirer front page, every cycle. Completely straight-faced. It sells itself — that’s how funny it is.

    ■ Transmission Received — Parallel Universe Dispatch ■
    Outer Limits Enquirer — Cowboys edition front page
    Signal Strong — Standing By

    That’s Week Five. Week Six delivers this →

    Week Six — You Get This
    NFL Competition Committee Proposes

    Four new proposed NFL rules, each presented with complete regulatory seriousness. The title is always “THE NFL COMPETITION COMMITTEE PROPOSES:” followed by the rule name. Three to five sentences of deadpan satire. A new batch of four rules, every seven-week cycle.

    Official Proposal 1 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Feelings Rule

    Effective immediately, any player who is visibly sad after a penalty will be allowed to challenge the call on emotional grounds. The replay official will review the player’s expression in slow motion. If certified “genuinely devastated” by a panel of three therapists stationed in the press box, the penalty is waived. The Dallas Cowboys have already filed 847 pre-season challenges.

    Official Proposal 2 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Mandatory Honesty From Coaches

    Starting in 2026, head coaches will be required to answer one post-game question with complete honesty. The question will be selected at random by a wheel spin. Early testing was abandoned after three coaches resigned, one cried, and Bill Belichick’s honest answer was legally classified as a threat.

    Official Proposal 3 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Participation Fumble

    In an effort to make fumbles less discouraging, any fumble recovered by the opposing team will now be referred to as an “unintentional lateral.” The player who fumbled will receive a certificate of effort. The team that recovered it will receive six points. Both outcomes will be celebrated equally on the official broadcast.

    Official Proposal 4 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Announcer Accuracy Ratings

    All play-by-play announcers will now be graded in real time by a panel of former players. Phrases such as “he just wanted it more,” “that’s a football player right there,” and “you cannot teach that” will trigger an automatic fine of $500 per occurrence. Early projections suggest the league will be debt-free by Week 3.

    That’s Week Six. And saving the best for last →

    Week Seven — You Get This
    The Children’s Book
    A Landolfi Media Original

    A fully illustrated satirical children’s book, team-specific, written for the fan who has a child who needs to understand why Sunday afternoons are like this. The illustrations are beautiful. The subject matter is not. Both things are intentional.

    Your Team’s Complete Illustrated History — Included With Every Subscription
    “From Expansion Team to America’s Team”
    The Story of the Dallas Cowboys — Read the Full Book Below, Cover to Last Page
    From Expansion Team to America’s Team — page viewer
    From Expansion Team to America’s Team
    The Story of the Dallas Cowboys.
    A Landolfi Media Children’s Book.
    Page 1 of 11
    Complete Illustrated History · Cover + 10 Pages · Included With Paid Subscription

    In the upcoming weeks and months with your paid subscription, you can also look forward to titles like these:

    Also In Development — Next Release
    “Why Does Daddy Cry On Sundays?”
    A heartwarming story about a father, his team, and the annual tradition of explaining to a seven-year-old why the season is technically over in Week Eleven. Daddy is going to be okay. He has been through this before. He loves his team. That is the whole story.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “Daddy’s Team Is Very Special (Just Not At Football)”
    A celebration of everything a football team can be excellent at besides winning football games. The uniforms are nice. The stadium is large. The merchandise is widely available. A story about finding joy in the details when the scoreboard is unkind.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “The Night We Almost Made the Playoffs”
    A timeless bedtime story about a very special evening in December when everything was possible. The math worked out. The other teams lost. The tickets were being researched. And then the fourth quarter happened. A story about hope, arithmetic, and the importance of not checking the score too early.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon

    What Subscribers Are Saying

    “I won $11 on a scratch-off outside AT&T Stadium. Subscribed instead. Felt $11 richer in ways that are hard to quantify, which tracks with most Cowboys Februaries since 1996.”
    — R. Alvarez, Arlington, Texas · 4-Month Subscriber
    “My husband and I both subscribe. We used to argue about whether this is finally the year. Now we just pass the phone and nod. It has actually brought us closer, mostly out of shared exhaustion.”
    — Anonymous · Joint Subscription · Frisco, Texas
    “I read the Children’s Book to my actual kids. They’re five and eight. They understood the ‘Hope Springs Eternal, Always’ chapter immediately, mostly because I say it every training camp. We’ve all renewed.”
    — L. Aikman (no relation), Southlake, Texas · Family Subscription
    “I told my therapist about the eBay listing for the dusty 1995 VHS tape. She said, quote, ‘that’s oddly specific and also correct.’ Insurance doesn’t cover this newsletter. It should.”
    — M. Delgado, Plano, Texas · 8-Month Subscriber
    “My father-in-law asked why I was laughing alone in the garage. I showed him the trivia board. He subscribed before he left the driveway, then asked if Schottenheimer is related to the other one. He is.”
    — K. Osei, Fort Worth, Texas · 3-Month Subscriber
    “Cancelled twice out of loyalty-related guilt. Resubscribed twice out of everything else. This is now just a monthly donation to my own sense of humor and February 14, 2027.”
    — Anonymous · Auto-Renew, No Regrets
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    $9/mo

    Everything in Free, plus full daily articles and one new Bonus Content drop every week on a rotating seven-week cycle — a fan trivia game, a fake eBay auction, classified ads, The Outer Limits Enquirer, a children’s book parody, a Top Ten List, and an NFL Competition Committee ruling — for all 32 NFL teams in the network, the Cowboys included. Plus the complete archive, for every team, from day one.

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    Per Day. For Every Team. That Is All We Are Asking.

    $9 per month…just 30 cents / day. That works out to be 3 dimes exactly, or a quarter and a nickel. And it is no longer just one team — that 30 cents covers full articles and Bonus Content for all 32 NFL teams in the network. We are asking you to spend the cost of approximately nothing to have your suffering (and everyone else’s) witnessed, documented, and returned to you in a funnier format than it arrived.

    Other Things You Could Buy for 30¢
    ( If For Some Reason You Really and Truly Didn’t Want to Laugh Today )

    1. A quarter at a vending machine, with a nickel left over. That nickel is yours to keep. It is the only refund this list offers.
    2. Just under a third of a gumball from a machine that still exists somewhere in 1987.
    3. The look on someone’s face when you tell them you subscribe to a satirical NFL newsletter that covers all 32 teams. That look is free. The newsletter is 30 cents a day.
    4. A little over a third of a postage stamp. Stamps are about 80¢ now. Your 30¢ covers roughly the top third. This is not enough to mail anything to anyone. This subscription delivers considerably more — for every NFL team.
    5. About three-quarters of a birthday candle. The kind from the dollar store 10-pack. It will burn for a little over a minute. This subscription burns considerably longer, covers every NFL team, and produces significantly more joy and marginally less wax.
    6. 0.00002% of your team’s starting quarterback’s daily salary. He earns more between breakfast and the first snap than you will spend on this subscription in a year. This year that figure also covers 31 other starting quarterbacks’ teams. We thought you should know that. We are not sure why. It felt relevant.
    7. Nothing at a parking meter in any American city built after 1990. The meter will reject your 30 cents. We will not reject your 30 cents. We will give you seven weeks of content for it — for every NFL team.
    8. A shot glass of gasoline, which might be just enough to get you to an ATM to take out $9 for your first month of All-Access. The math works. The metaphor also works. Please do not drink the gasoline.

    Hey — you’ve made it this far. You’ve looked at all seven weeks of bonus content you’ll be receiving — for all 32 NFL teams, not just this one. You’ve also seen that you’ll be getting daily, full-length headline articles from the entire network — every side article, too. Obviously you love your team with a passion to have lasted this long and smiled this much.

    Yep. We can see you.

    There’s nothing left to do but spend the 30¢ / day and have this feeling — for every NFL team — last the whole year through.

    I mean really — what more is there to think about? Do you want to smile today (and every day) or not?

    “By subscribing you acknowledge that you are a fan in good standing, that you have suffered, that you will continue to suffer, and that $9 per month is a reasonable fee for having that suffering — and the suffering of 31 other NFL fanbases — witnessed and documented with the respect it deserves. Cancel anytime. Your team will not cancel anything. Neither will the other 31. They will all be here next season. And the season after that.”

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    Landolfi Media LLC · We Put The Parity In Parody · All Content Satirical · All Pain Real